A personal update
Last Friday, Patrick and I had booked the day off to go and celebrate one of my dearest friends’ 50th Birthday in the evening. Having put in place the domestic arrangements (dog sitter, sleep over for H etc), we set about our day only to find that by lunchtime, we were racing down the motorway to my mum’s house to meet an ambulance.
In a sudden and completely unexpected turn of events, later that evening we lost my mum. Despite her earlier fall and an extended stay in hospital this summer, she was recovering and making a determined effort, in ways that only she was capable of, to carry on with her life.
She was strong willed and determined to regain as much mobility as possible, despite not being able to have her hip operated on due to the risks involved. So this has come as a complete shock and devastated us all.
As well as the inevitable organisation that now has to follow, there’s still Christmas waiting in the wings.
And work – the blog, Instagram. What to do about that? Ultimately it’s my business and therefore my decision so I’m taking it one day at a time. My gut feel is to take an extended seasonal blog break and come back in January. We’ll see. I’m not holding myself to anything I don’t have to.
I’ll probably show up on Instagram from time to time. As emotions ebb and flow, no doubt so will the urge to create, write and share. Things that feel out of line one minute can feel exactly right the next. That’s the complex nature of being human I guess.
I also know that I’ll need and want to carry on with this business that I’m so passionate about. The one thing my mum always said on repeat was how proud she was of what I’d built out of this blog. And if anyone was an advocate for the joyous moments in life, it was her.
I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought about what I’d do when faced with writing a post for such a personal life update. Who would? Life is personal and so is this blog… so we merge once again, albeit in an unwanted way this time around.
I may have turned it into a business but it’s first and foremost a passion project based around my life. So to disappear for a while without explanation feels like the wrong thing to do. And more so, to carry on without explanation, producing my normal content, when all I really want to do is curl up in a foetal position, feels completely wrong too. It would be forced and hollow and I know you wouldn’t expect it of me anyway.
Four days in and I’m finding grief to be a complex companion. One that none of us ever invite in and yet, through my observations of people who’ve already experienced it, I know it will stay as long as it damn well wants to. And even when it eventually leaves, there’ll always be those unexpected return visits that you didn’t bargain for.
So I’m preparing for the long haul ahead but signing off here for now.
Much love, Amanda xx