December 04, 2018

An Unexpected Goodbye And A Pause For Now

an unexpected goodbye

A personal update

Last Friday, Patrick and I had booked the day off to go and celebrate one of my dearest friends’ 50th Birthday in the evening. Having put in place the domestic arrangements (dog sitter, sleep over for H etc), we set about our day only to find that by lunchtime, we were racing down the motorway to my mum’s house to meet an ambulance.

In a sudden and completely unexpected turn of events, later that evening we lost my mum. Despite her earlier fall and an extended stay in hospital this summer, she was recovering and making a determined effort, in ways that only she was capable of, to carry on with her life.

She was strong willed and determined to regain as much mobility as possible, despite not being able to have her hip operated on due to the risks involved. So this has come as a complete shock and devastated us all.

As well as the inevitable organisation that now has to follow, there’s still Christmas waiting in the wings.

And work – the blog, Instagram. What to do about that? Ultimately it’s my business and therefore my decision so I’m taking it one day at a time. My gut feel is to take an extended seasonal blog break and come back in January. We’ll see. I’m not holding myself to anything I don’t have to.

I’ll probably show up on Instagram from time to time. As emotions ebb and flow, no doubt so will the urge to create, write and share. Things that feel out of line one minute can feel exactly right the next. That’s the complex nature of being human I guess.

I also know that I’ll need and want to carry on with this business that I’m so passionate about. The one thing my mum always said on repeat was how proud she was of what I’d built out of this blog. And if anyone was an advocate for the joyous moments in life, it was her.

I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought about what I’d do when faced with writing a post for such a personal life update. Who would? Life is personal and so is this blog… so we merge once again, albeit in an unwanted way this time around.

I may have turned it into a business but it’s first and foremost a passion project based around my life. So to disappear for a while without explanation feels like the wrong thing to do. And more so, to carry on without explanation, producing my normal content, when all I really want to do is curl up in a foetal position, feels completely wrong too. It would be forced and hollow and I know you wouldn’t expect it of me anyway.

Four days in and I’m finding grief to be a complex companion. One that none of us ever invite in and yet, through my observations of people who’ve already experienced it, I know it will stay as long as it damn well wants to. And even when it eventually leaves, there’ll always be those unexpected return visits that you didn’t bargain for.

So I’m preparing for the long haul ahead but signing off here for now.
Much love, Amanda xx

39 comments on “An Unexpected Goodbye And A Pause For Now”

  1. an eloquent and beautiful blog, at such a sad time. Do what feels right for you… and I will be thinking about you today and the next few weeks.

  2. Oh Amanda, my heart goes out to you and I just want to give you the biggest hug. Your Mum sounds like such a beautiful lady. You do what feels right for you, take it a day at a time, we will all still be here when you decide it’s the right time for you to post again. Thinking of you all and sending lots of love xxxx

  3. Oh my goodness. Sending you a huge virtual hug. Do what is right for you and your family at this time, even if some may not understand. Bring the dog for endless walks along the beach, hug your daughter tight and get comfort from those closest xx

  4. I’m so sorry to hear your sad news, Amanda. Having been in this position, I think your instinct is absolutely right. I was so touched by how supportive everyone was when I was overwhelmed with caring for my parents and decided to take time out from my home working blog. Put yourself first, dip in and out when you feel like it, and you will know when the time is right to do more. Sending love and best wishes xx

  5. i’m so sorry for your loss. Seeing my partner’s grief after losing his mum last month, I know how completely this flipside of love will take hold of you.
    Even in our 50s it still is an awful loss to bear. Although we know it has to come one day… it’s always too soon.

    Wishing you a peaceful and kindness filled break. Gigi x

  6. Oh of course! God take all the time you need, we will still be here looking forward to your writings when you feel it’s time to return. Or not. Just breathe for a while. There is a lot to feel in the next 12 months. So sorry about your Mum.

  7. Oh my darling girl. Devastated for you. You know this is exactly what happened to me last year so I know exactly how it feels. Take all the time and know that everything blog- wise will be waiting here when you’re ready. Big hugs my lovely friend xxx

  8. Oh my dear Amanda, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I remember our conversation about our relationships with our mothers well, and I know how hard this must be for you and your family. Having been there myself I know it helps to have a sense of normality, but also to give yourself grace to hide away when you want to.

    I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier, but please know you are loved and appreciated and I’m sending love and hugs from Cambridge.

    Briony xox

  9. Take care Lovely Lady. You are an Inspiring Business Woman and your work is fabulous. No wonder your Mum is so proud!!!!
    But currently, you are a daughter, coming to terms with the absence of the Mum who helped you become who you are.
    Be kind to yourself and take care during this very sad time.
    You can feel as proud of her, as she you.

  10. Dearest Amanda,
    So sorry to hear such devastating news for you and your family. I can empathize with you as my beloved father died in suddenly also over 25 years ago, around this time of year. Take time to come to terms with your loss, both for yourself and for your darling girl H. We will all be here waiting for you when you feel able to connect with us again.
    Take each day as it comes, time is a great healer but it is time you need now

    Many hugs and much love. God bless


  11. So very sorry to hear such sad news. The loss of a parent is a terrible thing. Take the time you and your family need, how wonderful to have such memories of a fabulous Mother. Sending love and thoughts. Xx

  12. So sorry to hear your awful news! Take as much time as you need and don’t feel guilty about it. The blog, instagram and all your followers will all still be here. Wishing you all the best xxx

  13. Hi Amanda,

    I’m so so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. You do exactly what feels right at any given moment. I love your blog and look forward to your return. Sending you love and hugs from NYC.

  14. I am so so sorry for your loss – I lost my mum 8 weeks ago so I know the turmoil of raw emotions you are going through. I can’t tell you it gets easier but I have found such strength in the support I received from everyone. My mum always told me take each day as it comes and as it turns out she was right. Take time for you, let the tears flow and embrace all the support of friends and family. Thinking of you, Amanda x

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss Amanda. Take good care of yourself – I wish I could find more adequate words.
    At your return, I will be here waiting for your posts.
    Best wishes for you and your family.

  16. Don’t know you Personally Amanda; but love your blog and your honestly. Take all the time you need; we will be patiently waiting for you return
    My thoughts and prays are with you

  17. Amanda,

    What a great post. In some ways one of your best, because it stares reality in the face, and reality wins. One of the many reasons we love your blog is that your real. Our prayers are with you and we look forward to your return. You never know what life will bring.

  18. I’m very new to your blog and have enjoyed it very much, but we all understand the need to shut down literally and emotionally right now. This is one of the hardest, life-passages and there’s no preparation. Let your friends comfort you. Tell them what you need – they want/need to help you through, so don’t hesitate to send them on a small errand or make you a cup of tea.

    May you find solace in the moments..

    Ontario, Canada

  19. Dear Amanda,
    Heartfelt condolences. My heart goes out to you and I know that anything I say might sound hollow when you’re facing the loss of your Mother. She seems to have been an inspiring lady. I lost my Mother just 6 months ago and only now has it started to sink in. We’ll be waiting for you when you are ready to come back.

  20. Amanda, my heart goes out to you and your family. Take all the time you need, there will be a lot of us here when you’re ready.

  21. I am so sorry about your mom. No matter how “prepared” we think we are to loose someone we love, the reality is we find ourselves totally unprepared. Like you, the passing of my mom followed by my older brother affected me in ways I wasn’t expecting. I deal with chronic depression so I know what to watch for there; but the incredible sense of lose of family was, and is still, very difficult. I think all of your friends here and in your real world understand your need to step away from something just to lighten your load a bit. Last year I took a “break” on my blog while I kept the other parts of my business running. There is a strong part of me that finds peace in working through hard times. So I did what I could. A few weeks ago, I realized that writing is my therapy, of sorts, so I decided to start posting to my blog in January. I have a different understanding about the blog now, as maybe you do. At this point. it doesn’t really matter to me who reads it or how many comments it gets. What matters is that creating it is good for me — so I will reintroduce it in the new year. Sending love and healing energy to you and your family and friends while you work through this change in your lives. If does give me peace to know that my dad, my mom and my brother are always here with me…I just can’t see them. But I sure do feel them. Hugs to all of you.

  22. All of the above comments – just so sad for you. Sudden unexpected deaths are so hard, we’re never prepared. Thinking of you and look forward to your return. When it’s right .

  23. I’m so sorry to hear of your sad news about your mum. You are wise to take the time you need as I know it’s not an easy time when you lose your mum. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  24. Dear Amanda

    So very sorry for your loss. Lots of people, many of whom you have never met, but whose lives you touch with your writing, will be thinking of you at this sad time, and waiting for whenever you are ready to return.

    With love and best wishes

  25. Amanda, it must have been hard to send that message. My heart goes out to you and your family. We lost my beloved younger sister this year and although she had cancer for some time, we were always hoping for a good outcome. Although we got bad news in November of 2017, we only got a week’s notice that time was up, in February, so there was appalling shock as well as the grief. I know that you must still be dealing with shock such a short time later. I am so glad that you feel you can continue with your buiness when you are able, it’s absolutely the right thing to do, and you’re so brave to share that with us. I’m self employed too and love what I do, and it has saved me this year. My sister was always such a cheerleader for me, and gave me so much encouragement and confidence, and that moral support was a huge part of getting me to where I am now. It sounds like your Mum did the same for you, and by doing what you love, it’s a way of keeping her with you if that makes sense. I hope that the support of family and friends gives you some comfort, and remember that although there are undoubtedly hard days ahead, good days will come too, although it might be hard to believe now. Stay strong and mind yourself, and you’ll be in my thoughts. Take care, lots of love, Anne x

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